now i realized how sad am i

today, i can't wait to go out wif him at nite market.. waiting him come to my house.. i felt happy cause at last we got chance hang out..

unfortunately, i really hate myself for going out wif him tonight.. i juz went back home from nite market.. he fetch me back.. i cried.. no one knows..

juz now when he reached my house.. he come in and visit his son spiky.. after that.. he asked me bout customize frenster profile.. so we online at my comp and i explain everything to him.. we was happy.. playful.. wif each other.. and i somemore ask him to massage for me coz i teach him so many thing.. hehe so after that, we go to nite market lor..

on the way, we're in his car.. we still talk nicely.. quite happy.. although i cannot hold his hand like last time i did... but i tell myself to "tahan".. i have to =) so i joke wif him.. we have a gud talk while he is driving..

when we get down the car and walk to nite market.. we started feel strange.. we suppose to hold hand and walk like last time.. but now.. everything different.. although we walk together.. but feel like walking separately.. he walk in front of me.. im so sad to see his back.. but i ask myself to "tahan" again.. i have to face it.. i know.. so we juz walk and sometimes stop and buy some food.. but we didnt talk much.. im getting sad and sad.. nearly cry out.. but have to "tahan" again.. i tell myself muz be strong.. duwan to argue wif him anymore.. duwan to cry in front of him and beg him anymore.. nite market there are so crowded.. full wif ppl.. i saw everyone.. either is fren or couple.. they hold hand and walk so they wont get lost.. and i look at his back again.. i can't hold his hand.. can't even touch his hand.. again, i feel like crying.. but i have ntg can do.. but juz crying inside my heart..

after that, i choose to walk in front of him.. only i know.. no matter i walk in front or behind him.. the feeling was still same.. i walk behind him.. i saw his back and feel like crying.. i walk in front.. i cant even know what he is doing or feeling behind me.. again, i feel so hurt.. so disappointed.. all the way, i so wish at least he will hold my hand and walk in the crowd.. but he didnt.. whole nite.. he talk to me like ntg.. like very normal fren.. not even a gud fren.. the hurt is killing me.. i wish to be fainted.. why me and him became like this.. why.. but, i juz telling myself.. as long as he happy.. he wants to.. i will respect him.. so i still smile at him whenever looking at him juz now..

so we get into the car.. we started to eat our food.. and he suddenly said.. "u're independence.. but u're not strong enuff.. the way u walk.. like no direction.. if saw any "halangan".. u alwayz stop.. "
mayb he hate me for being so weak in this world.. anyway, im juz a gurl..
wat shud i say? i tell him.. "no one leads me.. even so many ppl there.. i walk until very san fu." but he dun have any feeling or respond at all.. my tears drop..cry.. but he cannot see cause is too dark in the car.. and somemore.. he dun even look on me nicely once.. mayb he wan me to know.. "sei sam" le..

i wan to tell him so much.. that i miss him.. i love him.. i wan to hold his hand.. im very sad.. i need him.. but i can't even speak out.. cause i tell myself dun say anything to ruin this situation.. again, i cry silently in my heart..

when reached my house.. i asked him whether can we talk talk a while more.. but he very fast telling me he have appointment wif frens.. he is rushing.. my heart feel more san fu.. but i have to "tahan".. i smile to him and look at him.. stare at him.. i have many words that i can't say out.. i smile to him.. but i cry in my heart.. then i ask him izzit anything to say? he say no.. and then i told him..
"im sad.. everything i do, juz wants u to be happy.. everything i did, juz because u will feel better.. all juz because i care for u.. but no one knows how i feel.. no one knows how suffer am i.. even you also dunno.. gud nite"

then i get down of his car..

i dunno after this.. will he still wan to face me and talk to me.. or mayb we will separate forever.. mayb he is not as sad as hurt as i.. mayb he wont love me this weak gurl anymore.. my hearts stop beeping for few second.. and i standing there wif my mind blank.. i cried.. getting loudly.. and loudly.. crying in my house ALONE again.. i know i have to use to it.. i know i hav to.. i know.... i tell myself.. plz forgive him.. for he is dunno he is hurting me badly.. mayb i shud take up the hurt myself.. but not let him hurt also.. as long as i know.. who do i really love.. as long as he know.. there is one gurl loving him so much.. i know mayb i should not ask for his love anymore.. im shame of myself.. for being so weak.. so sorry..

alwayz,
she had nitemare every nite.. she had fainted in her house.. she had crying million times alone in her room.. she had many things keep in heart that cannot express out.. all this while.. she is juz pretending.. even lie-ing herself.. so that she can live better and dun let frens worry.. but plz.. dun treat mel so "chan yan".. plz everyone.. im juz a gurl.. juz a gurl that wants love and care wif her.. she cant get it.. mayb no one knows.. cry.. again..